blue
I've been feeling a bit run down lately - physically, mentally and emotionally. It is hard to know if I'm suffering from another bout of depression, or if it just sleep deprivation.
Days are running together - every day is pretty much the same, and is tackled in a way to get through it almost as quickly as possible. Don't get me wrong - I love love love my little boy and our times together, but its just hourly increments to get through: dress, diaper, feed, entertain/distract, nap, walk, bathe, repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat until its finally time to get him to bed for the night and I can collapse for at least a couple of hours until he's awake again.
I don't have any time to myself - not that I don't have offers of help, but when I do take an hour or two for myself its to get groceries, or my hair cut, or to run errands more easily without him in the car. I can't relax just on my own, and I'm bound by ball and chain to his every-two-hour nursing schedule. He rejects a bottle now, so having another feed him is not an option right now.
I'm just exhausted - and the mundane of these days is starting to get to me. The days are just dragging. Depression? Or do I need more sleep? I'm so confused - there's nothing else I'd rather be doing. I look in the mirror and I feel that my face has aged years overnight.
I hate to say it - but perhaps if Troy was a bit more of a hands on parent I'd not feel so alone in the chores of parenting. But its not his fault I feel this way. I'm just spent. And I feel almost panicky when I realize that it doesnt really matter either way: I'm just not going to get a big stretch of sleep any time soon. I think I'll try to have a talk with Troy this weekend about my feelings and see if we can't make some changes around here - baby steps even.
We had a good day today - a nice walk to the park; and I even got a nap in with Ethan this afternoon. Tonight when Troy gets home I'm gonna go grocery shopping, so I'll at least get a mental break to drive in my car with the stereo on loud.
I don' t know. I don't know. I don't know. But like everything, these feelings shall cycle and I'll feel better or worse tomorrow. Ethan's such a good boy. I feel very conflicted writing all of this because its not his fault I'm so drained.
Days are running together - every day is pretty much the same, and is tackled in a way to get through it almost as quickly as possible. Don't get me wrong - I love love love my little boy and our times together, but its just hourly increments to get through: dress, diaper, feed, entertain/distract, nap, walk, bathe, repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat until its finally time to get him to bed for the night and I can collapse for at least a couple of hours until he's awake again.
I don't have any time to myself - not that I don't have offers of help, but when I do take an hour or two for myself its to get groceries, or my hair cut, or to run errands more easily without him in the car. I can't relax just on my own, and I'm bound by ball and chain to his every-two-hour nursing schedule. He rejects a bottle now, so having another feed him is not an option right now.
I'm just exhausted - and the mundane of these days is starting to get to me. The days are just dragging. Depression? Or do I need more sleep? I'm so confused - there's nothing else I'd rather be doing. I look in the mirror and I feel that my face has aged years overnight.
I hate to say it - but perhaps if Troy was a bit more of a hands on parent I'd not feel so alone in the chores of parenting. But its not his fault I feel this way. I'm just spent. And I feel almost panicky when I realize that it doesnt really matter either way: I'm just not going to get a big stretch of sleep any time soon. I think I'll try to have a talk with Troy this weekend about my feelings and see if we can't make some changes around here - baby steps even.
We had a good day today - a nice walk to the park; and I even got a nap in with Ethan this afternoon. Tonight when Troy gets home I'm gonna go grocery shopping, so I'll at least get a mental break to drive in my car with the stereo on loud.
I don' t know. I don't know. I don't know. But like everything, these feelings shall cycle and I'll feel better or worse tomorrow. Ethan's such a good boy. I feel very conflicted writing all of this because its not his fault I'm so drained.
posted by Sherocious at 4:07 p.m.
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